Post by Sailor Earth on Sept 4, 2006 7:23:56 GMT -5
[Alan’s alphabet song] Alan: [Sings] "A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defilbrillator's for D." [Speaks] "That’s how it goes." [Sings] "E is for Echocardiography." [Speaks] "Yes quite complex isn’t it. F’s a Fucking director! G is for Gobshite, and, and, and, He’s a Bastard is for H, I is bloody pissed off! J is for Jugglery Jugs, and K is for Kicking Arse and Lady Lips is L, and M…M…N…N…is…O! Penis is for P! Q is for Queer, I’m not queer. R is for Rectum, S is for Shits and Slits, and Tiny Tits is T, and U is a bastard, and V is for Vagina, and…X…and…W is for Wank, and Y-Fronts is for Y, X-ray is for Z!" [People start to make him leave.] "Don’t push me! A is for Arsehole! B is a bastard!" [He is thrown out.] "Oh cock off!"
Post by Sailor Earth on Sept 4, 2006 7:42:07 GMT -5
Alan is one seriously fecked up individual
[Male dominated workplace.] Caroline: "I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace." Guy: "Bollocks!" Caroline: "I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like." Guy: "It’s not male dominated, they’re bloody women everywhere." Mac: "Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk." Guy: "Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts." Caroline: "Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer." Guy: "She was alright in her time. A bit tall." Mac: "Big mouth." Guy: "Yeah, not a hindrance. Not a hindrance at all. Because you see, I’ve got a great big cock." Caroline: "Guy, ssssh." Guy: "And massive testis." [Mac throws a surgical tool into a box.] Mac: "Dr. Todd, a little fiddly bit coming up now…" Guy: "They’re like cricket balls. Like sort of…well tennis balls actually. No, bull, bull, bulla-ber-donk. Huge, throbbing, nut sacks." [Caroline and Mac look at him.] "Massive, quivering gonads. What, what are you staring at, Mr. Average-Ginger-Bollocks? They’re like two tiny Scotch eggs…" [To Caroline] "…and you’ve got no balls at all!" Caroline: "You’re right, I’m a great big freak." [Guy bends down and lifts up two inflated bags next to each other with a pipe sticking in them. He stands back up again.] Guy: "They’re like that, sort of." [Guy blows into the pipe and jiggles the bags around.]
Post by Sailor Earth on Sept 4, 2006 7:50:46 GMT -5
Boyce: "I know she's sworn us to secrecy, but I’ve got to tell you. You and Caroline…" Mac: "Yep." Boyce: "You were…" [Taps his nose.] Mac: "What, took cocaine together?" Boyce: "No, no, no, no. Biiiiig buddies. Yeah, say no more." Mac: "Yeah. Interestingly enough, I’ve just heard a slightly different story from Guy." Boyce: "Yeah, but who do you trust more, me or Guy?" Mac: "Aah, that’s a tricky one." Boyce: "I swear on my penis." Mac: "Then I would be forced to believe you. Though, if I were to ask you, "Who would you trust more, Guy or anyone else in the world?" It’s not really Guy is it." Boyce: "Yeah, I really didn’t need the penis thing, did I?" Mac: "Not really."
And this is just wrong
[Guy is walking down a corridor when he spots a dog walks behind him. He stops and turns around. The dog has stopped. Guy walks on and the dog follows him again. Guy stops again and so does the dog. Guy walks on yet again and again the dog follows. He looks behind, still walking, and the dog still follows.] Guy: "Go away!" [Guy leans up against a wall.] "“Shoo! Stop! Just hold…" [The dog jumps up to him. Guy sees something in his mouth and takes it out. It is the tape. The dog jumps down and walks off. Guy pants as he looks at the tape. Then realises something is wrong.] "That should not have been erotic!" [Clenching the tape tightly, he walks away. Outside the hospital, Guy throws it in the air and catches it. He then puts it in his mouth and tries to swallow it.]
Post by Sailor Earth on Sept 11, 2006 7:47:48 GMT -5
[Alan tries to find his new parking space. He spots it, between a space already occupied by a car just within its lines to the left, and a skip to the right.] Alan: "W…bloody…that’s it! That’s it! Oh yes, put yourself in there Alan why don’t you." [Alan reverses, and then drives forward towards the space. He notices how little room he has.] "Bloody Metro! Get out the way!" [He drives into the space, and hits the skip.] "Oh, careful." [He backs out, and drives forward again. He cannot get in. He pushes the skip forward a bit as he tries. He backs out, drives forward, pushes the other car, and drives into the space, crushing his left-side mirror.] "It’s just a mirror, just a mirror. All in vanity." [He drives on, crushing the left-side mirror of the other car.] "Try again. Back, back." [Alan reverses out and tries again, this time backwards. As he does, he crushes his right-side mirror on the skip, and scratches the other car down its left-hand side.] "Come on! Get in there!" [He stops the car.] "Right, time for work." [He tries to open the door, but there is not enough room. He opens the door opposite but there is not enough room again. He climbs into the back of the car, and gets out via the boot. He shuts the boot, walks on top of another car, and leaves.]
[Guy teaches Guyball to some children. The class are all looking at their blue and green topmilers. One of them is in a wheelchair.] Teacher: "Alright, can I have your attention please, little people?" [Blows whistle. The children stop messing with the Topmilers.] "Thank you. That’s better. Now today we’re going to learn a new game. It’s called…" [Pronounced phonetically] "…Guyball." Guy: "Gee-ball!" Teacher: "Anyone heard of it?" [Pause] "Well, this is Guy…" [Pronounced phonetically] "…Secretan." Guy: [French pronunciation] "Secretan!" Teacher: "He’s very kindly agreed to teach you the rules." Guy: "Yeah, I haven’t, "Kindly agreed," to do anything. I have to do it. It’s part of my community service, because I was a very naughty man." Pupil One: "What did you do?" Guy: "Your mum, and then I ate her. Next question?" Teacher: "Dr.…" [Pronounced phonetically again] "…Secretan, I do have to file a report on your behaviour." Guy: "No, no. That’s err…all part of the training. We err…what we Guyballer’s do, we insult the opponent. We call it, "Splicing the Matterhorn." So, let’s give it a go. We all err…insult each other." [Pause] "Come on!" [Points at the boy in the wheelchair.] "Come on Wheelie, you have a go!" Pupil Two: "Cock spanker!" Guy: "Cock spanker’s a bit weird." Pupil Three: "Dickhead!" Guy: "I’m a…you’re a dickhead!" Pupil Four: "Wanker!" Pupil Five: "I fucked your mum!" Guy: "Yeah, alright that’s enough." [To Teacher] "Twat. Right let’s go." [Later, Guy is going through a few rules. All the pupils are wearing their topmilers. One pupil is lying on the ground and Guy, standing upright, is pushing her jaw with his foot.] "Right, what’s this called?"
Pupil Six: "A Maison?" Guy: "No! I already explained what a Maison is, Jesus!" Pupil Seven: "A Emmental loop?" Guy: "Am I in a crouching position?" Pupil Seven: "No." Guy: "Am I displaying a cleft mitten?" Pupil Seven: "No." Guy: "Then how the fucking hell can it be a Emmental loop?!" Teacher: "It’s a classical heist?" Guy: "Aah, no, no. It looks like a classical heist, but…" [Guy gets a furry dice out from his Topmiler.] "…but, when the topmiler is geometrically loaded it’s a…?" Pupils: "Fat chalet." Guy: "Fat chalet! Now we’re getting somewhere. Right…" [Guy picks up a ball and throws the dice away. French accent.] "…Come on!" [Guy pushes a pupil away and runs off. Soon, the game begins.] "All the blues over here." [All the people wearing blue Topmilers move to one side of the field.] "Right. You see that post over there? You’re going to run to that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, Go!" [Guy throws the ball in the air and the blues run, except for the one in the wheelchair. Guy runs back.] "What are you doing?" [Guy pushes him over. The Teacher attends to him. Guy runs around with the blue, pushing over the greens. He then carries some balls.] "Stickles are orthodox, and it’s a four-bounce ubique!" [As he runs towards the greens, he and the blues all shout into one of the greens ears.]
[Alan joins in an operation.] Mac: "What are you doing here?" Alan: "Well I just thought I would park myself in your space. Make sure there are no cardiac problems." Caroline: "It’s quite a simple procedure actually." Alan: "Oh is it, oh is it indeed Mrs. Todd? So…so…you would be prepare would you if something like…" [Put his hand in the body and rummages around.] "…this happened?" [Alan has accidentally pulled out the patient’s gall bladder.] "Oh dear, there seem to be some complications now, Mr. Blue-Peter-Boy." Mac: "What did you just do?" Caroline: "He just took the gall bladder." Alan: "No I didn't." Caroline: "Yes you did, it’s in your hand." Alan: "No it isn't." Mac: "Open your hand." [Alan opens his left hand, keeping his right behind his back.] "Open the other hand." [Alan brings both hands up to his mouth, puts the gall bladder in his mouth and opens both hands.] Caroline: "Are you eating the patient?" Alan: [Mouth full] "No." Caroline: "Dr. Statham has just eaten a gall bladder! Open your mouth!" Mac: "Open your mouth!" Caroline: "Open your mouth and spit it out!" [Caroline puts her hand under Alan’s mouth. Alan however swallows the gall bladder.] Alan: "All gone! Oh my God!" [Alan runs away, trying to vomit. Mac holds out a plastic cup for him to vomit into, which he does, and runs out. Guy returns after answering a phone call.] Mac: "You will not believe what has just occurred." Guy: "I know, Mongo’s prosthetic cock snapped off inside some bint, he was too embarrassed to tell her, so she went home with it. She’s still got it up her."