Post by Sailor Earth on Apr 6, 2005 23:07:51 GMT -5
Bernard: Excuse me. There seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought, I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money. Movie cashier boy: That's how much it costs. Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?
OMG that site is awesome, SE! Thanks for the link! Dylan Moran is brilliant, Bernard's definately my favourite character
Skinhead: (to Manny) Oi, Hairy! What you looking at? Manny: Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? Try and speak softly once in a while. (Skinhead punches Manny in the face) Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself. Manny: Well I was born in London... Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something. Fran: Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead. Manny: Well like I say, born in London, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases. Fran: Oh, your father was in the army? Manny: No, just coincidence. Bernard: Sorry could we do this some other time when I'm not here? Manny: Alright. Fair enough. You know, this could be a really lovely place. Bernard: It is a lovely place! Manny: Yeah you'd have to wax the shelves, and get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here. Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around. Manny: And seal the floors, stop that rising smell, and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes? Bernard: What of it? Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea. Put in a few standard lamps... Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay? Manny: What? But I, I'm not. Bernard: But you're interested in lamps. Manny: Yeah but I'm interested in, in women, and lamps. I thought you were actually (points to Bernard). Gay, I mean. Bernard: So did I for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!
Bernard: Old wine is good wine. Manny: Yes. But expensive wine is good wine also. Bernard: Yes. But the older the wine is, the gooder it is. Manny: Ah but by the same token, the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also. Bernard: (looking at the wine) Look at the colours. Manny: Yeah. Bernard: All the colours. Well... yellow. Manny: This is like... a... a farmyard... of wine. Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck. Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.
LOL! Sorry, this is turning into Black Books quote-o-rama... but I can't help it! I love this show! ;D;D
Last Edit: Apr 7, 2005 17:49:02 GMT -5 by melihobbit
Post by Sailor Earth on Apr 7, 2005 20:03:06 GMT -5
LOL! Quote away
Gerald: Oh Bernard, look at you. Bernard: I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp!
(a little boy in pyjamas walks into the room) Gerald: (to Bernard) Oh you remember Jimbo, don't you? Bernard: I'm not sure... (to Jimbo) What do you do? Gerald: No, he's our son. Bernard: Oh thank god. I thought you had a disease! It's a child!
Bernard: Ah Jim. Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim. Come here. We'll do the thing. Here. Here. There we go... (gives Jimbo some money) Take it. Take it. Now. Actually Jim, could I have that back? (takes money back off Jim) Shh! So Jim, have I ever told you about the old country? The songs! Oh Jim, they'd melt your face. "Ohh I live in a shoe on Moore Street, I'm a prostitute from Newry".
lol, well... to be fair it's been a while since I watched that episode
Bernard: (trying to figure out how to work the security door) Ok for the moment, just tell me the code. Manny: There was a little man. Bernard: There was a little man? That's the code? Manny: No no, I didn't actually hear the code because... he had a little man in his hair. Bernard: Well the little man in my hair is getting very, very angry. What are you talking about?
Post by Sailor Earth on Apr 7, 2005 21:41:45 GMT -5
Customer: Those books, how much? Bernard: Hmm? Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones. Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collective works of Charles Dickens. Customer: They real leather? Bernard: They're real Dickens. Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them. Bernard: Two hundred what? Customer: Two hundred pounds... Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds? Customer: No... Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
Manny: I've been to the shops. That deserves a star. Bernard: No! Stars are for achievement. My fortieth cigarette this afternoon. That deserves a star.
Bernard: What's this?! Gourmet food is always presented in little towers! What's that?! Manny: Soup! Bernard: Well get it in a tower! Come on!
(Manny is putting post-it notes with "88" written on them all over the place) Bernard: 88. What's the big deal? What happens to you? Manny: You don't want to know. Bernard: I do want to know. Manny: No. You don't. Bernard: Don't do that! Of course I want to know! I want to know even more if you tell me I don't. Manny: Trust me. You don't want to know. Bernard: Well, I'm telling you... you don't want to know why I want to know. Manny: Oh, why's that? Bernard: Ha! See? Manny: I have a condition. Bernard: What? What's it called? Manny: Dave's Syndrome. Bernard: Nonsense! You're making this up. It's like that fudge thing of yours. What is it? You have to have lots of fudge because- Manny: It stops me going deaf! Bernard: Yeah and the other one, what, you... you only travel in vans... Manny: No! The other way! Never let me be put in a van! Never! Bernard: It's rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish!
Post by Sailor Earth on Apr 13, 2005 7:32:42 GMT -5
LOL! Dave's Syndrome
Bernard: (to a group of skinheads) Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing of your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right, this is you, ok? (dances madly like a fairy while singing "tra la la" then stops) Millwall! That's the one. Do you know this chant? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated"... (all three skinheads punch Bernard in the face at the same time)
Bernard: I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're my witness. Manny: Oh well I could do your accounts. Bernard: What? Manny: Well I'm an accountant. Well, was an accountant. Hah. Ah, it's the least I could do. Bernard: You mean you could do more? Manny: Yeah. Bernard: Can I have a glass of wine? Manny: Ok. Bernard: And a, and a ham sandwich?! Manny: If you like. Bernard: With a pickle?! Manny: Alright. (Bernard does a classic face of absolute joy)
Post by melihobbit on Apr 13, 2005 21:22:45 GMT -5
Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!
Bernard: (trying to ask a girl out) Hello I'm... not that it matters. Umm, Bernard. And umm... Kate: Nice to meet you. Kate. The book's good, thank you. Bernard: Oh. (Awkward silence) Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime?
Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.
Manny: Yeah well it's better than staying in and getting mashed every night, with no company except the dead bees on the windowsill. Bernard: I like the dead bees on the windowsill! At least they don't go out and leave the front door open and get us robbed! Don't get judgy with me, Ming the Merciless.
Post by Sailor Earth on Apr 13, 2005 23:30:05 GMT -5
"She's my summer girl!"
Bernard: Shut up, all of you! I'm dying! (Customers walk in) Jesus, more hobblety-hoids. (Grabs Manny) You can't leave me alone with them! They're all over the place like a nest of pigs! (sees a girl walk in) Ooh Manny look! (drops Manny to the floor)